words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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