i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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