Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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