Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
