3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Plan B is the new Plan A
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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