I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
