sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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