i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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