I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
