Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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