please come you make the beer taste better
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
