Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just threw up on my dentist
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My vagina is officially offended.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
