what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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