He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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