Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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