If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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