I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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