Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize