Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
