we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Ketchup is God's man juice
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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