also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize