Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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