did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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