Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
