i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
