Plan B is the new Plan A
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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