Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
