My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
