I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize