Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
