I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize