checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize