My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
