Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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