Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
