What a fucking waste of an outfit
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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