only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
