That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
