ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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