The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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