she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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