Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
