Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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