I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
