new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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