my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Is it penis luge time yet?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
