My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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