i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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