Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize