Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
