im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize