How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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