Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
