I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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