Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize