loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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