hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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