you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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