just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
