Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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