would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
