My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
