I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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