It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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