Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
