Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
