Can Purell be used as lube?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
